


from michael, to luke

by dissociativeclifford



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crushes, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Sad, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 06:17:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15333660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dissociativeclifford/pseuds/dissociativeclifford
Summary: i want you to have a good relationship with a girl you love and be the happiest in the world.i want that so bad for you, but i also want you for myself.





	from michael, to luke

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this as a vent fic crying about a girl i've loved for 5 years. enjoy.

luke.

i feel like i am condemned to have feelings for you forever.

like, i feel like i’ll be some 80 year old man, and i’ll still have some sliver of home that you’re going to be coming back to me. that you’ll have some epiphany someday and realize we were meant to be together all along.

i hate it. i feel like i should hate you for this. but i can’t.

i don’t know what it is about me you don’t like. is it my personality? i mean, we’ve been friends coming on a good five years now, so i don’t know how you could be disgusted by my personality. maybe you’ve seen my true personality too much. seen me binge eat and show up to class in dirty sweats and throw up when i drank too much. is it my body? i don’t think you’re that shallow. i know i don’t look great, but you care about more than that.

do you remember when ashton joined the band, and you idolized him so much? you thought he was just the shit, didn’t you? and don’t get me wrong, i love ashton, he’s my brother, but i feel like i’ll always be bitter about that. i’ll always have that grudge against him. which he doesn’t deserve in the least! i was so jealous of him. cause he got all your attention, and i got none of it.

do you remember a few years ago when you would still lie over my lap playing video games, or share the bed when you stayed over, or play with my hair when my head was resting in your lap?

god, that was the fucking gayest shit i’ve ever said.

but i miss that. i miss being able to feel close to you, back when you cared about me differently than you do now. it used to be just us, yanno? just us against the world, playing music, and you had those dipshit pink speakers that will always be relevant in my mind.

and then she came along. dude, you were so excited to finally have a girlfriend. even though you barely talked to her, i remember, it was like a weird middle school relationship except you were fifteen, not twelve. and you had your first kiss in my house- how fucking funny is that? god, i got so blackout drunk that night. i remember i didn’t wanna think about it. you kissed her in my house. your first kiss. that was supposed to belong to me.

yeah, that makes me sound like an asshole. because i don’t own you, of course i don’t. nothing of yours belongs, or belonged, to me. but it still hurt.

speaking of being blackout drunk, remember a few years later, when all four of us were over at my house and we all got so shitfaced, except you, of course. you were still afraid to drink. even though you drank with her, a few months later. again. a first that was supposed to be mine. even just as your best friend. you were supposed to experience that with ME. 

but anyway. remember how fucked up i was? remember how i lay across your lap for the first time in years? and flirted with you? oh god, really badly flirted with you. i was so drunk, and it was so bad. and you were so fucking uncomfortable! i could tell! but my drunk ass just kept pushing it!!

oh how calum talked me to death that night. when i was sitting out on my porch, feeling like i was literally going to throw up from stress (though we all know it was the alcohol), he was so real with me. he made me realize that you’ll never love me like that. not in a bad way, he wasn’t mean, just, he was real. i needed to hear it.

you think i woulda had this under control after five years. do you know what it’s like to be hung up on someone for five damn years? it’s not fucking fun. it’s the worst.

oh. then there’s what triggered this whole letter.

i remember a few months ago, i was telling you about how i played spin the bottle at some party, and calum and i kissed. it was just a funny story i was telling, was all, because someone asked, “have you and calum ever kissed?” and i said “no, actually,” like it was expected that we would have kissed before. calum was all, “WHATS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?” and it was just really funny.

but then you made it very less funny when you asked, “wait, have we ever kissed?”

and then you had to think about it.

kissing you would have meant the world to me and you wouldn’t have even remembered it.

it would have meant the world to me.

and you wouldn’t even have remembered it.

i know you won’t ever love me. i know there’ll be a time at my life where i’m over this. but right now, it just feels like this will go on forever. i feel so damn guilty, because i love you, as a friend and as more, and i want to support you in everything you do. i want you to have a good relationship with a girl you love and be the happiest in the world.

i want that so bad for you, but i also want you for myself.

i’m sorry.

michael.


End file.
